Dear Dad,
Look, I know you’re busy. For more than half of my life, you helped me grow up and become who I am today, but there comes a time when I have to stand up for myself and, in some ways, for you too.
Stop telling me about how, “we’re all busy, and sometimes you (freedumb) have to help out too.”
Not only do I do my regular work, but I help out with the family business. The fact that you are continually trying to grow and expand the business is great, but you can’t expect me to make my life miserable just because you want to keep growing the business. I don’t ask you to do this, you choose to do it. Maybe we should focus on improving the business we are already doing instead of continuing to expand? Think about streamlining and improving margin. Much less stress in my honest opinion.
I’m fully aware that you are probably doing it for the family, but in some ways I also think you’re doing it for yourself. We, as a family, are doing quite well. My brother is working with you, and I have a great job. I choose not to do the family business fulltime mainly because I wanted to have some degree of separation from the frustrations of running a business especially with family.
So dad, thank you for all that you’ve done, but please stop telling me about how busy we all are. I know that already. You have to make the decision to prioritize what is important and what is not. Think about retirement already, sheesh. And please, quit unloading your frustrations on me.
Sincerely your son,
Freedumb
D
August 17, 2006 at 9:07 am
Wow, do I feel your burden. I just want to say, sometimes we as parents, come across in ways we don’t think we are. We always have the best intentions, especially when it comes to the ones we love most, our kids. I don’t want to justify your fathers burden on you, but I want you to realize that he may not truly know the burden he has created. He may be looking for something else all together different. There is only one way to find out. It’s not rocket science, just sometimes so simple we neglect it. Ready?
Next time dad says “You need to help more, with the family business – You know we are all busy, that is no excuse”.
I want you to take a deep breath. Count internally for 10 seconds. Lower your tone an octave. Then say, “Dad, what do you think I should be doing that I am not?” He will maybe slow down or just blurt out something. Either way after he replies. Take a deep breath, count to ten again. Then pose your next question. For example if he says “you need to work here more hours.” Your answer again slow and low tone maybe would be “That makes sense, but my job takes up my first 40 hours, when do you think I should fill in this time.”
Continue to put the situation in his lap. This will allow him to help work through this situation himself and see your point. He will also see it as his achievement. This is good. It keeps communication open and helps to navigate your father to your situation on his own.
Remember slow, and 1 octave lower. This is a process used by attorneys and therapists. No matter what, don’t get excited, breathe. You will create the calm for the resolutions to be provided and made real.
-d
freedumb
August 18, 2006 at 8:27 am
D,
Thanks for the advice. I just needed to vent my frustration. My relationship with my dad has always been a little rocky. We just don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things…in fact almost everything. I’ll try to do what you’ve recommended…in all honesty, I just try to not talk to him…it keeps things much more civil.
D
August 22, 2006 at 3:23 am
Don’t not talk to your dad.
There are very few people you will come in contact with that will love you unconditionally. One is your mom, one is your dad. If you are lucky, you find the woman of your dreams, that has the same capabilities of love unconditional. Then you will be in a situation to provide this love to your children.
Parenting is hard. Confusing. And not one child comes with a manual. Trust me I have looked.
I interact with each child differently. I probably have the best relationship with my eldest son. But, I don’t love one more than the other. I just enjoy my time differently with each.
Think up a mantra that you can repeat in your head when dad is making you irritable. This will be your saving grace. Don’t forget to also take every opportunity to tell him you love him. A hug would be great too.
I truly believe that love conquers all. Be diligent. A year down the road, it will be easier and your relationship will be stronger.
Good luck!
freedumb
August 22, 2006 at 10:49 am
D, “Don’t forget to also take every opportunity to tell him you love him. A hug would be great too.” That’s an interesting point…I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a relationship like that with my dad. Unfortunately, right now, it’s just not in the cards…My dad is not a very sentimental guy, and half the time he’s angry…Not abusive, just angry…I guess you could say hot tempered. You sure there’s no manual?